On Forgiveness, Finding Freedom, and Peace
If you are alive, you’ve probably been hurt, disappointed, and/or betrayed. Forgiveness, stands as one of humanity’s most powerful tool for healing. Yet it remains one of our most misunderstood concepts. Far from being a sign of weakness or a free pass for wrongdoing, forgiveness is a courageous choice that liberates us from the chains of resentment and opens the door to profound personal transformation.
Breaking Free from the Chains of Resentment
When we refuse to forgive, we remain tethered to those who have harmed us, bound by invisible chains of bitterness that keep us trapped in the past. Forgiveness is fundamentally a choice for personal freedom and healing. It’s not about condoning harmful actions or pretending they never happened—it’s about freeing ourselves from their ongoing negative impact on our lives.
The health benefits of choosing forgiveness are well-documented. Research shows that forgiveness can reduce depression and anxiety, improve heart health and blood pressure, strengthen the immune system, and enhance overall mental and physical well-being. When we forgive, we reclaim control over our emotional state and future, shifting from passive victims to active agents in our own healing and growth.
The Fourfold Path: A Roadmap to Healing
Forgiveness is not a single moment of decision but a process—one that can be navigated through what’s known as the Fourfold Path. This structured approach provides a clear framework for the complex journey of forgiveness:
Facts of the Story: Honestly recounting what happened without embellishment or minimization
Naming the Hurt: Identifying and expressing the pain that was caused
Granting Forgiveness: Choosing to release resentment and the desire for revenge
Renewing or Releasing the Relationship: Deciding how to move forward with or without the other person
This path acknowledges that forgiveness is holistic, addressing the cognitive, emotional, volitional, and relational aspects of our experience. It can be applied to both minor slights and major traumas, offering hope and direction for healing in any context.
Embracing Our Shared Humanity
One of the most challenging yet essential aspects of forgiveness is recognizing our shared humanity. We are all broken, and we all break others. This universal truth doesn’t excuse harmful behavior, but it helps us see offenders as flawed human beings rather than irredeemable monsters.
Understanding the personal history, traumas, societal influences, and potential mental health struggles that may have contributed to someone’s harmful actions doesn’t justify their behavior, but it can help us develop empathy and compassion. Ancient wisdoms from Jesus, to Buddha, from Lao Tzu to Gilgamesh, to the teaching of Ubuntu to the Zoroastrians, from the Talmud to the Koran, they all teach us that our humanity is interconnected—when we harm others, we ultimately harm ourselves, and when we heal others through forgiveness, we contribute to our own well-being and that of society as a whole.
What Forgiveness Is Not
It’s crucial to understand that forgiveness does not mean forgetting or condoning harm. As one wise saying puts it: “Forgiving is not forgetting; it’s actually remembering—remembering and not to hit back.” Forgiveness maintains accountability and doesn’t negate the need for justice. We can forgive while still holding someone responsible for their actions and protecting ourselves from future harm.
The goal is to remember without being trapped by bitterness or consumed by thoughts of revenge. This allows us to learn from past experiences and make informed decisions about future interactions while remaining free from the toxic burden of resentment.
The Power of Naming Our Hurts
Before we can release our pain, we must first acknowledge it. We cannot let go of feelings that we don’t own. Naming our hurts with emotional honesty is crucial for healing. When we suppress or deny our pain, we often prolong our suffering and risk developing physical and mental health issues.
Sharing our hurts with trusted others provides emotional validation, different perspectives, and practical support. By fully facing our pain, we create the opportunity to process it and potentially find meaning or growth from our difficult experiences—a key aspect of resilience and post-traumatic growth.
From Victim to Hero
When we choose to forgive, we undergo a profound transformation. We shift from victim to hero in our own story. No longer are we defined by what happened to us, but by how we choose to respond and move forward. Forgiveness allows us to reframe our narrative from powerless to empowered, from survivor to thriver.
This transformation doesn’t just benefit us—it inspires others. By choosing forgiveness, we become living examples of resilience and healing for those who are struggling with similar challenges.
Completing the Journey: Renewing or Releasing
The final step in the forgiveness journey involves a conscious choice about the relationship itself. Forgiveness opens the door to peace between people and creates space for peace within each person, but it doesn’t automatically restore all relationships.
Sometimes, when it’s safe and the offender shows genuine remorse and changed behavior, renewing a relationship can lead to deeper understanding, stronger bonds, and opportunities for mutual growth. Other times, the healthiest choice is to release a relationship while still maintaining forgiveness. This might involve setting clear boundaries, wishing the other person well from a distance, and focusing on personal healing and growth.
The Courage to Seek Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not a one-way street. When we’ve caused harm to others, seeking forgiveness requires its own form of courage. It means honestly admitting our wrongs, listening to and acknowledging the hurt we’ve caused, offering sincere apologies, making amends where possible, and committing to changed behavior.
This process of seeking forgiveness can lead to profound personal growth, improved relationships, and a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. There is great freedom in asking for forgiveness and great strength in admitting when we’ve been wrong.
Self-Forgiveness: The Key to Inner Peace
Perhaps the most challenging form of forgiveness is the kind we must extend to ourselves. Self-forgiveness is not just beneficial—it’s crucial for personal growth, well-being, and ultimately, for finding lasting peace. We are not defined by what we have done wrong. Our worth as human beings extends far beyond our mistakes and failures.
Self-forgiveness requires us to distinguish between guilt and shame. Guilt is feeling bad about our actions—it’s can be appropriate and motivate positive change. Shame, however, is feeling bad about who we are as people, and this is both destructive and inaccurate. We address guilt through making amends and changing our behavior. We combat shame by connecting with others, practicing self-compassion, and remembering our inherent worth.
When we cannot forgive ourselves, we remain trapped in cycles of self-punishment that serve no one. We become unable to fully receive forgiveness from others, unable to grow from our mistakes, and unable to extend genuine forgiveness to those who have hurt us. Self-forgiveness is the foundation upon which all other forgiveness rests. It creates the inner peace necessary to approach others with authentic compassion and grace.
This doesn’t mean excusing our wrongdoing or avoiding accountability. Rather, it means treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a good friend—acknowledging our mistakes, learning from them, making what amends we can, and then choosing to move forward with wisdom and humility.
The Ongoing Journey
Forgiveness—whether of others or ourselves—is not a destination but a journey. It’s an ongoing practice of choosing freedom over bondage, peace over resentment, and love over fear. Some days will be easier than others, and that’s perfectly normal. The key is to keep choosing forgiveness, again and again, until it becomes a natural part of how we navigate life’s inevitable disappointments and hurts.
As we heal our own hearts through forgiveness, we contribute to healing the world around us. Each act of forgiveness creates ripples of peace that extend far beyond what we can see. In choosing to forgive—others and ourselves—we choose to be part of the solution, agents of healing in a world that desperately needs more grace, compassion, and hope.
Forgiveness is nothing less than the way we heal the world, one heart at a time, starting with our own.